Alienated

You would have thought that by sharing a common language, one wouldn't have too much problem with communications and having the "human connection" in a foreign country...

But I'm wrong at that.

Eventhough I've arrive in NZ for a year, I still often feel like the protagonist in Sofia Coppola's Lost in Translation. Feeling alienated, lonely, longed for companionship, yet unable to attain it. It's not like I don't know the easy solution to this dilemma. I could choose to either embrace this foreign culture, or hide myself with my expatriate friends. But I chose to reject both alternatives and accept alienation, for reasons I can't comprehend.

Why is authenticity worth such unhappiness?

First, Do No Harm

Valentine's Day 2008. The day that I will hereafter remember as the day I've failed to uphold the first principle in medicine: primum non nocere. To those unfamiliar with the term, it's a Latin phrase meaning "First, do no harm".

While examining a patient's ear with the otoscope (in a rather awkward position), I accidentally turned the handle much too quickly, causing the patient to exclaim in pain and jerked her head to the side. I was as shocked as she was then, as I was very certain that I have not introduced the otoscope too deep into her ear as to hit her eardrum. The doctor, slightly alarmed, proceed to take over the examination from me. I apologized profusely to the patient, and she told me it's alright and all.

After the patient left the clinic, the doctor told me that I've caused 2 small lacerations on her ear canal, one probably from turning the handle too much, while the other was probably caused by her sudden jerking movement. He later corrected me (gently and sternly) about the mistakes I should learn from this. I was burning with guilt and shame then for the rest of the day, hoping that the wounds will recover well, and wondering what permanent effect have I caused from this accident... The patient will probably don't want any med students to examine her for the rest of her life...

My pride is bruised from this incident, and I still feel the burden of guilt and shame as I'm typing this. This will be a day I'll never forget. Valentine's Day 2008.

Primum non nocere.

GP

Still feels a bit weary of life, but at least I'm coping now. When I saw the juniors so full of life and joy, I can't help but feel pity for them. Things gonna change real soon. Really hope they enjoy these last moments of blissfulness, before the whole world starts collapsing on them.

Starting off with 2 weeks of General Practice is OK so far, although the leisurely pace is really testing my patience. Most patients visit the clinic to get their 3-monthly prescription repeats, and I have yet to seen any acute cases after being in the clinic for 3 full days. But it's great to finally get my first observation of a cervical smear, and it's surprising how similar the procedure is to the models we practice on, and yet more difficult in a way (esp when you're trying to locate the cervix).

Quite happy that I'm finally familiar with the opthalmoscope, though I have yet to practice on a dilated pupil. At least I get to learn something. Let's hope things will get more productive next week.

Another Casualty Along the Road

You lied.
You did not make it.
I wonder why
(the fact you lie).

Yet another casualty along the road.
A comrade on hold.

How many miles left to go?

Unit 8B Online!

Moved in to my new accommodation smoothly last week, and finally got broadband installed at our place. Will upload some pics of our beloved new home (for the year) in awhile.

No New Year Resolutions for Thomas!

It's funny how most people who make new year resolutions are the very ones who neglect to fulfill them. From my own experience in the past, I identify myself as one such person, so I'm adamant that I won't make any empty promises to myself this year just to create an illusion that I'm heading somewhere.

Having said that, 2008 has started off pretty well for me. I'm gaining back my old enthusiasm in (good) music, especially since my discovery of Arcade Fire & Spoon at the beginning of the year. A friend of mine expressed his surprise in my venturing into the indie music scene, although I still don't get what 'indie music' sounds like (besides being unconventional of cuz). I have no idea where my music taste will eventually lead me too, but right now, I'm loving the fresh music I've discovered.

I've thought about my choice of studying medicine and all throughout the holidays, and I've decided that it's med school that I truly hate, while I'm still very enthusiastic of my future career as a doctor. So I guess I'll just have to toughen up and stomach thru another 2 years of horror & suffering. I sincerely believe that all the efforts and perseverence will be worth it, in the end of the day.

And I can't help but wondering, how many ppl still read my blog these days. Hah, I can hardly blame anyone but myself in this matter really, as I hardly made any initiatives to update myself with my peers' life. I admit I'm becoming increasingly self-obsessed for the past couple of years, trying to cope with the aftermath of the rejection of my... nvm, that's something that I should only post in the other blog of mine lol.

But I'd appreciate it if faithful visitors to my blog could juz tag something on the tagboard, pleeeease. It's heartbreaking to see no updates on the tagboard after a couple of months (besides the awful spam), and even Thomas get bored of talking to himself once in awhile. You can use whatever pretty nicks u want while you tag, so long as I know that at least, some sentient being is aware that I have posted something lol.

I guess this will be my last post till I fly to Auckland on Friday. Well I'll update more when I'm there then! Quite looking forward to my new accommodation! =)

Survivalism?

The modern man is plagued with complacency. Just think about it. We are so used to be dependent on others for our survival. Imagine one day when banks go bankrupt, food supply runs low, houses destroyed by natural disasters. Only when you're thrown into this unpredictable mess of a situation, will you realize how incompetent you are in basic survival. Or at least, I know I can't.

I think it's time I learn some basic survival skill. I have absolutely no idea where to start, but I should start soon. No I don't have delusions about the collapse of society and the end of the world as we know it, I just refuse to be blissful in my complacency.

2008

For the past few months, even at my happiest times, there's an ever-present gloom that constantly weighed me down. And I've come to realize that a part of me has died forever back in 2007. I've finally accepted the fact that med school will forever change me now, without feeling bitter and angry.

It's time to move on from here, and salvage what's left of me. Happy new year Thom. Here's to another year of understanding upon reflection, and anticipation of another year of the unknown, a year yet to be lived.

"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forward."
-- Soren Kierkegaard

Go Figure

My sister just got her PMR results today. 7A, and 1B for BM. My mum is furious. Yes, go figure. My distaste for Malaysia's education system is only matched by my disgust over parents' obsession toward the numbers of 'A's their children can grab.

Home

I'm back at my home now. Strange how everything remains so unchanged and familiar... It's as if I've just left this country for a month or so (instead of almost a year). Yet at the same time, I seemed to be a lack a sense of attachment and fondness to my surroundings. It's an awful paradox, remembering things that still stay as they were, yet at the same time you're totally detached from it.

Am I still sane, I wonder...